Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
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I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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