All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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