You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
