I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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