I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I had to cum in my sink.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
