I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
