WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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