he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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