Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
