I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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