Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
