I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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