Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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