I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
