I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
