I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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