Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize