i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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