Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
