good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
