This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
