So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
