he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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