So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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