if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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