oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
