Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
