allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
