Jerry, you need to find god
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
