This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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