I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
