Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
