My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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