Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
