Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
