Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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