So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
