I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
