My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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