I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Come on in and take your pants off
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