my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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