o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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