my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
