i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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