On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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