I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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