The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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