doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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