Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
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Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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