Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
