so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
