I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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