I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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