Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony