thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
