worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
