I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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