we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
